Monday, March 15, 2010
GOD'S COMMUNICATION TOOLS
By Julie Roe, Ph.D.
As a Christian counselor I have listened to many married couples express feelings of frustration and hurt because of their inability to effectively communicate with one another. Studies prove that communication breakdown is a major source of conflict, one that can eventually lead to other problems in the marriage, such as a lack of intimacy and divorce. Statistics prove the truth of what the Bible says in Proverbs 18:21: "The tongue has the power of life and death" (NIV).
However, there is a remedy. Many of the struggles married couples face, in fact, can be avoided with the use of some simple communication tools. Learning to use these tools to express ourselves in more effective ways fosters better understanding, which results in greater emotional intimacy.
One
tool couples can use to help ensure clear communication is
"reflective listening." With this method, the partner
being spoken to (listener) repeats the message he received back to
the one speaking (sender). The sender then has the opportunity to
restate her thoughts until she is assured the message was received
correctly by the listener.
Another
tool that contributes to understanding is using language that makes a
definite distinction between what we
THINK and what we FEEL. If you begin a sentence with an "I feel" message, be sure to complete the sentence with the emotion you are experiencing and not with what you think. For example, say "I feel disappointed," not "I feel as if my husband doesn't want to talk to me." Beginning a sentence with a feeling helps to validate your emotions, speak the condition of your heart and increase the likelihood that the receiver will grasp what you are saying.
A communication tool called the "I message" tells the receiver what you think about a situation without attacking him personally. For example, saying "I think we should consider making a budget" is less potentially volatile than "You spend too much money; we need a budget." The "I message" reduces the potential for the receiver to become defensive and helps to circumvent an argument. If your husband is avoiding talking to you because your discussions turn into arguments (see Prov. 21:9 and 19:13), you may find this tool extremely helpful.
Some couple's communication issues are not with WHAT is said but with HOW the words are expressed. The largest part of communication—93 percent—is comprised of our voice tone and body language. This aspect is called style.
The
Bible speaks about communication style in both the Old and the New
Testaments, giving us an example in Song of Songs of how two lovers
ought to relate, and telling us in Ephesians 4:15 that the mature
believer is one who has learned to speak the truth "in love."
In Songs, the Lover says to His Beloved, "Show me your face.
Let me hear your voice. Your VOICE is SWEET and your FACE is LOVELY"
(2:14, emphasis added). Obviously, the woman referred to in this
verse had the right style!
What
does your voice sound like when you speak to your husband? Is it
sweet or harsh? What does your face look like when you are
communicating with him? Is it lovely, or are you scowling? Do you
look into his eyes when he speaks, or are you busy with another
activity?
If
you desire to not only get through to your husband when you are
speaking to him but also experience the kind of intimacy described in
Song of Songs, stop allowing your method of communication to get in
the way. Start today to put into practice some or all of these proven
techniques. Learn to say what you mean—in love—with a sweet
voice, a lovely face and a sincere desire to connect with him.
And
don't reserve these techniques for only your spouse. They are equally
as effective with children, friends, co-workers and anyone else you
relate to. All of us can stand to improve our method of
communicating with others, and as we do, we can look forward to the
rewards of speaking life and growing in unity with the rest of the
body of Christ.
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PRAYER POWER FOR THE WEEK OF 3/15/2010
This week ask the Lord to imprint His nature on you so that you can exhibit the fruit of His Spirit in word and action. Pray for opportunities to share His love with those in and out of your family circle and be mindful of the way you communicate. Continue to pray for those who have suffered loss in the recent earthquakes and other natural disasters. Thank Him that revival is spreading in Haiti and around the world and ask Him to send more laborers into His harvest fields. Remember our military and their families as you pray for the Middle East and Israel. Continue to pray for our president, his family and administration as they make decisions affecting our nation and its future. Pray for revival in our own nation. Eph. 4:15; Gal. 5:22
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